يوليو 31, 2021

What The Body Is Telling.

For the past two weeks, my heartbeats had been acting up and jumping even when I wasn’t doing anything strenuous. Here was my heartbeat when I was taking a nap (which is lately frequent) after clocking out from work. My heart was racing so much that it woke me up.

Then a couple of days ago, while working, my heart thumped fast and erratic for no reasons - the pulse was so hard it felt as if my heart was trying to get out of my throat. My head became light and my palms sweaty. I thought I had a panic attack but thankfully my mind was still thinking rationally that I needed to see a doctor right away.

It turned out my blood pressure was really high - 150/100 to be exact. The doctor looked at me and asked, ‘Is there any changes lately?’

I almost burst into tears.

I told him how my work is stressing me out. I thought I had it under control but apparently I can’t lie to my body. My body is not able to cope with the pressure anymore and that was what brought me into the doctor’s office.

The doctor was very kind. He didn’t lecture me about needing to take it easy. He just prescribed me medicine to lower my blood pressure. He had my heart checked out and the result ruled out heart attack, thank God.

But how much longer my body has to suffer? I went back and reflected on it. It’s easy to say control our reaction to the situation but if your mind has been conditioned to stress, it’s very hard to follow that advice. I have been trying to convince my mind for months to let go of things I can’t control, to take it easy, to say this is just work, not my life… but it has been an unsuccessful attempt. And this is the result of months of suffering in silence.

I thought ruefully of what would happen if I decided to go on. Push myself harder, and continue convincing that things will get easier, things will change for the better… the fact is, it is going to be more challenging and I’m not sure if I can hold on for much longer without sacrificing my mental health and my physical health.

Would I one day wake up with chest pain, collapse and wake up hooked up to wires in the hospital? Or while in a heated meeting experience agonizing pain in my head, pass out and wake up to be told I have a massive brain hemorrhage that renders my body paralyzed forever?

If that happened, would I still want to hold on to something that makes me miserable because I’m scared that we won’t be able to afford things we have now thanks to my paycheque? Nauzubillah, may Allah continue to grant me with good health.

I’ve spent a good 30 years of my life making my parents proud and happy. Alhamdulillah, my academic years had been smooth and I am able to look back fondly at the memories. The first few years of my working years also had been enjoyable as I was able to spend my time on my passion (graphic design and communication), until I went after a job that didn’t suit my passion. Things started going downhill from there, I had regrets since day 1 but I convinced myself it’s just the beginning. I’ll learn to love it. 13 years later, I still don’t.

Now, I want to undo that mistake and re-discover my passion. I want to have more time to go on spiritual journey. I want to guide my children instead of leaving it to the teachers to do the guidance. I want to right the balance because I’ve been wandering aimlessly and straying away from the compass.

With God’s grace, InshaAllah I will. Ameen.

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مارس 09, 2011

Hari Yang Hampeh

Peringatan #1: Ini bukan bukti penganiayaan kanak-kanak. Segala yang terjadi adalah tidak disengajakan.
Peringatan #2: Sapa gelak, aku tampor!

Semalam kan, aku ada briefing kat training centre di Bangi. Ah sudah. Kereta sebijik rioh sekampung. Maksud aku, kereta sebijik untuk menghantar Khayla ke daycare jadi takkan la aku nak bawak kereta. Briefing start pukul 8pagi. Daycare pun bukak pukul 8pagi. Maka si emak pun terpaksa la sacrifice. Naik pengangkutan awam.


Truthfully, aku ada sedikit seriau amik pengangkutan awam. Bukan la sebab bermacam-macam bau bakal ditempohi, tapi bermacam-macam perkara tak diduga boleh berlaku. Salah satunya of course la, kena jadi penunggu setia. Tahap keimanan ko adalah perlu dikuasa dua, tiga dan sepuluh! Fine. Aku seorang penyabar bila aku sendiri tak bawak kenderaan tu muahahaha! Tapi the main point is. Ko jadi powerless bila naik kenderaan awam iaitu ko tak boleh control masa sendiri. Gara2 itu lah, berlaku peristiwa-peristiwa aneh yang buat aku tensen tahap gaban:

Tensen #1: Bila masa dia rasa nak punctual, dia punctual la sesangat!
First time ok. Naik KTM dari Batu Caves. Pagi2 bangun dah terlewat. Macam lipas kudung (eew, tak sanggup disamakan dengan binatang ittew!) eh salah! Macam horse (power) menyiapkan barang-barang Khayla yang berbaki2. 90% dah disiapkan malam sebelumnya. Akhirnya keluar rumah pukul 7pagi. Hujan renyai2, therefore En Suami terpaksa hantar aku ke stesen Batu Caves nun. Sampai di sana pukul 7.36pagi. Terlepas tren seminit yang lepas dan terpaksa tunggu setengah jam! SEMINIT je! Tak nampak ke hari hujan, kasi can la bertolak lewat sikit!

Tensen #2: Resit oh resit!
Cerita Satu:
So bila dah berjaya naik tren, perasaan adalah sedikit lega. Especially bila bertolak dari stesen yang paling hujung, tak payah berebut2 kerusi macam main musical chair. Cerita pasal berebut kerusi, teringat time sarat pregnant dulu. Asal masuk LRT je, aku buat muka kesian cam orang tak makan sepuluh hari! Amik kau ahahahahaha! Selalunya, adalah yang akan bangun offer aku seat (terima kasih kepada semua2 pengguna LRT yang budiman kerana offer seat kepada wanita mengandung! Bukan senang nak berdiri sepanjang2 dalam LRT, silap2 boleh cramp kaki!). Tapi ada gak yang berhati stainless steel. Nampak orang pregnant je, cepat2 dia tutup mata buat2 tido la tu. Macam aku tak tau ko sebenarnya fake je.

Ok back to topic. Untuk ke Bangi dari Batu Caves, kena tukar tren pulak di Putra / Bank Negara / KL Sentral. Aku turun di Bank Negara. Pergi beli tiket ke stesen KTM Serdang pulak. Selesai masuk duit di mesin, tiket keluar. Pas tu aku pun tunggu la dia kasi resit. Mesin tiket diam seribu bahasa... Takkan la aku nak nyanyi lagu Faizal Tahir kat situ, haruslah aku pergi dengan perasaan hampa. Wey, aku nak claim duit tiket ok, boleh tak jangan mempermainkan perasaan aku?

Cerita Dua:
Selepas berjam-jam (acah je, baru je 1jam lebih) dalam komuter, akhirnya aku sampai ke stesen Serdang. Kena pulak naik teksi di seberang jalan. Teksi pertama, aku tengok driver dia kemain sibuk borak-borak kat hp, so aku malas nak kacau dan terus pergi ke teksi paling hujung.

'Pakcik, saya nak gi blablabla.'
'Tanya kat teksi kat depan tu.'

Ohohohoho! Sungguh. Aku terpaksa la patah balik. En Driver dah habis borak-borak kat hp. Dialah hantar aku ke destinasi. Sampai di sana, aku pon mintak resit. Dia terkulat2 macam cicak berak kapur.

'Akak tulis sendiri boleh?'
'Apsal?'
'Saya tadak tau eja...'

Fine. Aku tolong ejakan. Ko imagine aku terlewat ke briefing sebab bukak kelas mengeja dalam teksi? Siyes, aku boleh katakan kesedaran sivik aku adalah tahap dewa ok! :p Resit punya pasal...

Tensen#3: Salah tren!
Sebenarnya aku nak cerita part ni je. Hehehehe. Tapi dah meleret2 pulak. Straight to the point. Dah habis briefing petang tu, bergegas2 amik teksi balik ke stesen Serdang semula. Kali ni aku sendiri yang tulis resit tu ok! Reason aku takmo lewat, nak cepat2 balik jumpa Khayla :D Dari Serdang, aku naik sampai ke Bank Negara semula. Pastu nampak display 'Tren seterusnya ke Batu Caves' so aku wat donno je la. Untuk mengisi masa lapang secara berilmiah, aku pon bukak blog Kak Masy. Sesaja. Dah lama tak melilau kat sana. Sepanjang dalam tren aku kontrol gelak. Sengih2 busuk, orang lain ingat aku ni tiga suku kot.

Therefore, aku nak suggest la kat Kak Masy. Next time letak warning kat blog tu. Jangan baca masa tengah tunggu LRT/komuter/tren/kapal terbang/kapal layar/kapal selam dan kapal angkasa atau yang sewaktu dengannya. Jangan baca blog Kak Masy masa dalam LRT/komuter/tren/kapal terbang/kapal layar/kapal selam dan kapal angkasa. Kesannya. Ko boleh tertinggal flight / terlepas bulan pastu landing kat Marikh / tersalah naik tren macam aku! Ni ketensenan aku yang paling mega! Aku dah la bersemangat waja nak jumpa anak aku yang comel tu, alih2 boleh salah naik tren sampai ke Sg Buloh?? Time aku realise tu, rasa cam nak baling h/p atas landasan tren, diikuti dengan baling diri sendiri. Eh. Bukan nak commit suicide ye tuan-tuan dan puan-puan. Nak amik balik h/p yang dibaling tu.

Setelah calling2 sama laling untuk amik aku lewat sikit atas kesilapan yang tak boleh dimaafkan, aku pon berlari2 anak badak ke seberang untuk boarding tren balik ke Stesen sebelum ni. Then bermulalah episod menunggu menunggu menunggguuuuuu.... Sampai naik kematu. Kengkonon tren sampai pukul 7.10pm, tp 7.10 datang dan pergi. Tren tak nampak batang hidung. Kalau punctual tu, punctual sesangaatttt (refer Tensen #1), tapi kalau tak punctual, tak muncul2 langsung! Kebiadapan apakah ini? Tak tau ke anak aku tengah tunggu nak guling2 dengan aku?

Tensen #4: Ni tiada kaitan dengan public transport, tapi hasil chain of event gara2 naik public transport!
Aku sudah terlewat bebenor. Nak menangis pon tak guna kan. Apa kelas menangis, padahal sebelum tu dah gelak2 sakan baca blog Kak Masy. Sampai di Batu Caves, En Suami ribut2 menerpa.

'Kunci! Kunci mana???'

Al-kisah. Dia telah menguncikan Khayla dalam kereta dan anak aku dah melalak, tertido, melalak lagi dan tertido lagi sepanjang 15 minit terkunci dalam kereta sorang2! Nak bagi susu punya pasal, tapi bila keluar kereta dah jadi habit kunci dulu sebelum keluar. Pastu baru la kesedaran Khayla duduk sorang2 dalam car seat dalam CLK!

Seb baik aku bawak kunci spare. Bila bukak pintu, Khayla terjaga dan mula melalak. Tapi suara dah ala2 Ella la. Bila angkat dan pujuk, dia tak nak. Eh eh, sungguh emo anak aku. Pujuk pujuk pujuk, pastu mak dia offer susu gantung, barulah dia senyap. Tu pun sambil minum boleh berenti sambung nangis, pastu sambung minum lagi! Akhirnya dia tertido dalam sedu-sedan. Huhuhuhu... Maafkan la mak dan bapak ye Khayla! Kami berdua baru bertatih2 bab2 penjagaan anak ni!

Kesimpulannya. Eh apa ye? Nak suruh En Suami belikan kereta sebijik lagi ke? Hehehehe. Sendiri mau ingat la...

Sekian.

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أكتوبر 28, 2008

The Truth, Truthfully, & Nothing But The Truth.

Tonight is a hot night.
Phew! Not only because we did something hot, but because it is really hot, literally. That is why I have to get up and guzzle more water, another process I have to endure under my food change regime. While I'm struggling to down 2 litres of water at one sitting, I might as well update my blog.

Remember my posting about how I am diagnosed with PCOS?
The good news is, now I can stop blaming myself for weight gain over the past years! *pumps fist in the air!
It is all because of this PCOS, bad PCOS! It sorts of messed up with my hormones and somehow, my body can't seem to handle stress as well as other normal persons which then led to lower metabolic rate, resistance to insulin, increase in appetite, yada2x...

The not so good news is, PCOS sufferers also have more male hormones in their body! Like, hmm.... (garu chin as if I had beard) excess hair growth, acne problems, etc.? (Although I assure you, that I have yet the need to shave my legs)
Why can't I have more of the good male hormones, like their metabolism and stamina?
Is that why I am so ambitious, so competitive and aggressive when it comes to delivering my objectives, like a sportsman on steroid?

Anyway, PCOS alone is my number 1 reason to combat weight problem. Although, the whole thing is actually chicken-and-egg issue... which comes first? The weight, or the symptoms? Somehow, the blame game has to stop and mind has to take control over body.

Gambate!

Read more on PCOS here.

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أكتوبر 14, 2008

Come, Rock My World.

Tonight, I spent my time reading back on my old postings out of boredom.

Then suddenly, I realized that, 'Hey, I wanna back that girl! She sounds like she had so much fun even though she hates her job!'

*Shake the dust of gloom off myself*

Enough already! I was here before, this depression - when I came back from Africa (Yes, I'd been to South Africa! Courtesy of my uni) and found out my Grandma passed away. I spent time grieving, but I bounced back. Friends helped me a lot. I helped myself a lot. I had 'crash & burn' before, but I survived.

I wanna be that girl, that spunky survivor. That sarcastic, say-what-I-want-do-what-I-please obnoxiously rebellious character.

I'm going to pummel myself to life, and be my own shining star once again. So help me, God.

p/s: Azkam, TQ tolong aku berusaha. Hehe. Hope perubahan pertama ni akan jadi titik-tolak utk perubahan2 seterusnya.

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يوليو 29, 2007

Jalan-jalan di Low Yat Plaza

Suami terchenta baru-baru ni mengalami shock yang teramat dahsyat. Laptop nya telah meninggal dunia secara mengejut sewaktu aku berada di JB. Akibatnya suami terchenta tidak dapat buat aktiviti kesukaannya iaitu download episod Bleach programming Msjbox.

Jadi semalam kami telah berjalan-jalan di Low Yat untuk survey laptop baru. Sebenarnya ini semua atas desakan aku sebab aku nak cari cassette adaptor yang aku impi-impikan. So, aktiviti bersiar-siar di Low Yat adalah menyelam sambil minum air! :p

Entah macamane, bukan setakat cassette adaptor yang kami beli, malah kami beli mp3 player yang baru dan speaker yang comel ini:

Mp3 player ni ada 1GB memori dan harganya RM99. Kami tambah RM10 untuk beli speaker. Kata suami terchenta, 'Lain kali kita duduk di bawah pokok boleh la kita dengar radio.'

... Duduk di bawah pokok?

Underneath pokok pinang, We will wait for flight! :p

Apa-apa jelah, suami terchenta.

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يوليو 22, 2007

Harry Potter & The Blood Donor

This is an excerpt from the latest Harry Potter book, for those who have not laid their hands on it:

'Harry Potter rose, even though he was in great pain from the blast that Voldemort inflicted upon him. Voldemort gave a cruel laugh. 'You should know better, Potter boy, than fight me. For I am immortal! I've hidden my souls into seven Horcruxes!' Harry replied in contempt, 'And I have destroyed all but one! The one in your body is the last one!' With that, he directed his wand at Voldemort and blasted the Dark Lord, wounding him. As Voldemort lay dying, Harry said, 'Because your blood runs in my vein, it's too bad I am not a blood donor, right?'

*Mrs Rowling performed Cruciatus charm on me and I lay bleeding, with my newly-acquired book in my lap*

Ok, I get it. I'm not supposed to tell the story here. The excerpt above certainly wasn't from 'Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows', the much anticipated book in the world. That was me, telling you to buy the book yourself rather than depending on me to tell you the ending to the Harry Potter saga. I did not pay RM99 just to give free commentary of how the main character of the story died.

*frown to self. I sound like one of the Death Eaters, particularly that mean Bellatrix with her sneering face telling, 'Go buy your own book!'*

All I can narrate to you friends here, are the events that took place on the jubilant day I got my Harry Potter book, a hamper and held a baby in my hand. Ahem.

21st July 2007
Story #1: Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows... my... precioussssss....
Unlike all Harry Potter fans all over the world who spent their night camping outside bookstores, wanting to be the first person to receive the latest installment of Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows on this day, I had had a good sleep on my comfortable bed and then woke up late because it was Saturday, the day to catch up on sleep. The email sent by MPH, asking to collect my book at Midvalley stated the time from 9am to 3pm. They also mentioned that I will get a limited edition mug and a paper bag if I picked up during that window of time. Instead, as usual, we only made our way to Midvalley by bike at 2.45pm. Then we had to turn back and went by car instead because the weather looked as if Dementors are coming to get their books too.

When we arrived at Midvalley, there wasn't a long queue to buy the Harry Potter book. Hmm... Strange, strange. I know we Malaysians don't pay too much interest in books, but hello, this is Harry Potter ok? Maybe Mrs Rowlings and her team ought to save all the trouble they had to go through to make sure the books are safe by keeping them in Malaysia instead, because Malaysians don't make pirated copy of books. Or maybe Malaysians already bought the pirated copy of Harry Potter book, which explains the lack of queue. Walioweh, if that is true I must be the last person to know what happened to Harry Potter!

*scurry over to an Aunty and ask, 'Aunty, have you read the ending of Harry Potter book?' Aunty scorns at me, 'We read that already! Same as Hong Kong time!'*

We went to Customer Service Centre, and after signing my name on a form, and waiting impatiently for the CSA to look for my pre-order book, she handed to me a paper bag with the precious book inside.

Finally, I am a proud owner of Harry Potter final book! *shoot Patronus Charm all over the place, and all Dementors flee from the bookstore without their books*

Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows

Story #2: Bloody work
After getting my book, we went to have lunch at the Food Court, and even then I was impatient to at least, read a page of the book. So suami terchenta had to go buy lunch while I dived, eyes first, into the hard-cover book. After having our lunch, we found ourselves, Imperius-style, wandering into Higher Education Fair at the Exhibition Centre and we asked about getting Masters at IIUM. At that time, I spotted the National Blood Donor Unit recruiting some blood donors at the opposite hall.

Prologue: I've always wanted to donate blood ever since I was a student. However, fear of pain turned me away from doing so. Not only that, I heard a number of stories which made me shudder and it has nothing to do with Voldemort, mind you. I read news about people getting HIV because they donate blood or an inexperienced aide sticking the needle directly in the donor's main blood vessel, and causing non-stop bleeding. I do not want to die of AIDS neither of non-stop bleeding, God forbids. What about suami terchenta? Who will cook meatball spaghetti for him after this???

However, in the drunken mood of having Harry Potter book, I found myself extraordinary brave as I approached the counter and a friendly girl who asked me whether I wanted to donate blood. I said, yes but not without having my few doubts vanquished. There was a couple of guys writing down their particulars as I stood and asked questions:

Question #1: Will it hurt?
Answer #1: A little bit, like ant-bite. Ok, I can stand ant-bite, no worries.

Question #2: Are the nurses trained and have they been doing this for a long time?
Answer #2: Yes, they are fully-trained and they are not new staff. Cool, I can evade the non-stop bleeding situation.

Question #3: How long would it take?
Answer #3: Around 7-8 minutes.

Question #4 (final): Will I get HIV?
At this stage, the guys who were almost finished writing their particulars froze, pen in mid-air. I can practically read their minds, 'If I got HIV, who will marry me???'
Answer #4: We don't re-use needles, if that is what you are worried about. Sigh with relief. Let the pain begin...

The conclusion? The filling form part is not painful. The blood test is just a sharp stab that lasts a second. The jab is like any other jab and contrary to popular belief, I don't feel a thing when my blood flowed out of my body into the bag. I settled back, reading Harry Potter and squeezing the thing they gave to make the blood flow quicker. Within less than 5 minutes, the bag was full. A nurse ran to me and immediately cut off the IV tube after stopping the blood flow. Then she removed the needle, gave me a cotton pad to stop the bleeding and asked me to rest for a while before I went to get a drink.

All was well and I even got a hamper full of junk food! I definitely will donate blood after this! It doesn't hurt and I've conquered my fear of pain :)

Story #3: Hanis Nabila
My friend, Ubie, had just delivered a baby girl on Friday, 20th July at Ampang Puteri. I wrote about her wedding last year. Talk about a good combination number, 20.07.2007. Plus, her baby was born on her husband's birthday. My good friend, Bib and I together with suami terchenta went to see her.

The baby has a lot of hairs. She weighs 2.9kg. Like all newborns, she has wrinkled face and crying expression. And she's gorgeous. All I can say is, congratulations Ubie and hubby! :)

On our way back home:

Me: Have you started longing for Little Carneyz or Little Junaidix ?
Suami terchenta: A little bit.
Me: Same here.
Suami terchenta: Maybe next year?

Thank you suami terchenta, for understanding me. That is why I love you so.

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مارس 17, 2007

Dream About Death

Two weeks ago, I dreamt that I was at the brink of death. Nazak, to put it that way. Actually, in that dream, I felt perfectly ok but when I looked into the mirror, I saw a deadly pale face with white lips and grayish eyes. If you know how dead people look.

Of course many would say, that dreaming about dying only means you are going to live a little bit longer than you imagine you would. Haha. My question is - are you God?

Anyway, I just want to share the significance of that dream. How do you feel when you realize that any minutes now, the Angel of Death is going to come and take your soul away? In my case, maybe rip it off in such agony that no mortal can stand? But souls are immortal. Whether they can stand it or not, we all have to face the pains of death.

Then all the moments in your life flash back in front of your eyes - all the solat you left intentionally or unintentionally. All the excuses you gave to justify your guilty conscience. Can you fill a few minutes or even seconds to qada or replace the forgotten solat? What about lies? We all tell lies now and then. Will I leave this world with the word 'Munafiq' stamped on my forehead?

Then you try to think fast whether you have carried out your duty as daughter / sister / wife / employee as you should. You think about the days when you come in late for work and when you are dying, you can see it clearly that those aren't just minutes that are ok, but a breach of duty that translates into rezki that might be haram. So will I get whips of fire for that? What about the calls I should make to my family? Now, dah tak sempat.

The best part is as you wait frantically playing the kalimah of shahadah at the tips of your tongue so you won't forget it when Angel of Death comes, you think whether you have committed any offense to others. How in heaven are you going to seek for forgiveness when you are on deathbed? If you can't, how are you going to heaven anyway?

Sins are not a light subject when you are dying. You can't help but think about what you have done and how you regret spending your life doing wasteful things or negliging your duties as God's servant. You try not to think about the pain you are about to face. You try not to imagine the Angel of Death's face. There's only fear and regret that I felt in my dream.

I am terrified of death. I am terrified because I know I'm not ready to go to the Hereafter. I am afraid of darkness, yet my grave will be a dark place. I am claustrophobic (fear of being in a small, shut space), but my grave will be so narrow it will break my bones. I am afraid of getting hurt because the wound stings and throbs like nobody's business, but in the grave, Dark Angels wait with whips and mammoth-sized poisonous animals for people who committed sins.

And didn't God promise that all amalan (deeds), good or bad, small or big, will be rewarded accordingly? Even the smallest deed, as big as a molecule?

Have you dreamed about death?

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