Hello, it’s been a while. A lot of changes happened between 2019 to now.
For instance. After being separated for months due to movement control order in 2020, I had plucked up my courage to request for transfer back to KL so my family did not have to go through another long separation. I am now back in KL. I had reluctantly accepted a promotion in order to make that happened.
My mom was diagnosed with nose cancer so I convinced her and my sister to bring her to KL with us for treatment. We had not been back to Sarawak for almost a year now and we all miss our home (and our lives there) terribly.
I am now taking another step at change. I fear unknown changes, really. By far, the change that I’m about to initiate is the biggest one in my life and I am scared but determined to do it.
Last Friday, as usual my dear ex-colleagues from my previous office and I got together over Teams call for our weekly pantry talk session. I always look forward to chill with my ex-colleagues, they are the best bunch of people I’ve ever met. No matter how sh*tty the week has been, they are my happy pills and wind me down for the weekend.
So we had an enjoyable session catching up and laughing over jokes, over memories and fun times we had before. It lasted for an hour before everyone said our goodbyes. I hang up, then tendered my resignation.
Unexpected much? Not really. I had been mulling over it for a long, long time. I re-read my diary to confirm that I had always put work above all else - my kids, my marriage, my happiness. I got my pay but not so much of the satisfaction.
Lately since being promoted to a manager position, the urge to leave has grown stronger and stronger until I could no longer ignore it. Every time there’s a crisis at work, I look desperately for an exit but refrain myself from bolting. Why? Because people said, hang on, things will get better once you learnt the rope. It’s not a good time to leave because the economy is bad now. We have a lot of assets to pay off. So many excuses not to leave.
But my mental and emotional state is deteriorating. It’s getting harder to fall asleep at nights, my dreams are all about work. I wake up more frequently in the middle of the night. And I realize - I’m in an abusive relationship with work right now. I have to leave.
Then one day after a meeting with a difficult client, I suddenly feel so exhausted. I can’t do this anymore, I thought. So I pull up MS Words apps, and start to type my resignation letter. With each word, I feel my heart getting lighter. I signed it, and then re-read the letter. It felt like the key to my freedom.
I walked out and stood in front of my husband. I told him I have a decent saving, I have liquid cash in my account to last for a few months and I need a break. I can’t continue anymore being so miserable and demotivated. I need a break before I look for a new job. I can’t even think of my fallback plan because I’ve been too busy thinking of work, thinking of my stress and unhappiness. When I resign, I would go beyond that roadblock and my head would be cleared to craft a new game plan, I reasoned to myself.
He was not happy, of course but he knows how unhappy I am. He reluctantly said yes, but I know even if he opposes I would do it anyway. It’s not my obligation to work.
I didn’t tender immediately. My boss has enough on his plate to get a shock in the middle of the week so I waited until Friday evening. But somehow I feel so much better knowing that I’ve decided to do it.
Friday came. I had a nightmare and my hubby shook me awake. I got up and woke my daughter up for her class. I had a meeting with the project team, and then in the afternoon, a check-in session with my team. Another hour spent facilitating a development meeting between an unhappy staff and her boss, before our weekly pantry session. And then Resignation.
As I was about to click on the submit button, I paused. I reflected on my career over 12 years of being in the Company. I don’t blame my Company for my decision, I will always thank my Company for supporting our family financially especially the times when I gave birth to my daughters in a highly prestigious (and expensive) private hospital in Malaysia, and for covering medical expenses for my husband when he had his open heart surgery at a renowned heart specialist institution. Those are privileges that we got when I work for this Company for which I would always be grateful.
It’s scary to think that we would not have this unlimited medical benefit anymore. I pray that we would always be in the pink of health as we have always been now (apart from those major operations, we rarely visit clinics or hospitals and I have not utilized sick leave for the past 2 years) once I leave. This is the drawback of leaving but how can I stay on when I can’t even muster myself to think of work?
I snapped back to the present and once again felt the strong urge to click. There’s some hesitation but the urge to submit is stronger so I clicked on the button and then again when a prompt came up to remind that there is no turning back beyond this point. I heaved a sigh of relief. It’s done. It’s done.
P/S: Of course the next day my boss freaked out and texted me telling me he’s shocked and would not accept it before we have a talk about it. I’m now preparing myself mentally, organizing my points of what drives me to this decision in my head so it would come out smoothly.
I’m going to tell him that I have been struggling to stay motivated in a job that I feel I couldn’t bring 100% of myself every day. I am not cut out for this job, my competency and experience are no match and it’s affecting my game, affecting my clients’. I am being fair to myself and the Company by removing myself from the job and letting someone else who likes the breadth of the job scope to succeed me. Promotion and pay raise have never been much of motivating factors for me so I have no other reason to stay other than fear of the unknown, but now I’m embracing the unknown.
Dear Almighty God, I pray to you to give me the strength to change my ways, to reshape my priorities and to trust You in everything that will happen in my life after this. Ameen…
I’m prepared for the talk.
