For the past two weeks, my heartbeats had been acting up and jumping even when I wasn’t doing anything strenuous. Here was my heartbeat when I was taking a nap (which is lately frequent) after clocking out from work. My heart was racing so much that it woke me up.
Then a couple of days ago, while working, my heart thumped fast and erratic for no reasons - the pulse was so hard it felt as if my heart was trying to get out of my throat. My head became light and my palms sweaty. I thought I had a panic attack but thankfully my mind was still thinking rationally that I needed to see a doctor right away.
It turned out my blood pressure was really high - 150/100 to be exact. The doctor looked at me and asked, ‘Is there any changes lately?’
I almost burst into tears.
I told him how my work is stressing me out. I thought I had it under control but apparently I can’t lie to my body. My body is not able to cope with the pressure anymore and that was what brought me into the doctor’s office.
The doctor was very kind. He didn’t lecture me about needing to take it easy. He just prescribed me medicine to lower my blood pressure. He had my heart checked out and the result ruled out heart attack, thank God.
But how much longer my body has to suffer? I went back and reflected on it. It’s easy to say control our reaction to the situation but if your mind has been conditioned to stress, it’s very hard to follow that advice. I have been trying to convince my mind for months to let go of things I can’t control, to take it easy, to say this is just work, not my life… but it has been an unsuccessful attempt. And this is the result of months of suffering in silence.
I thought ruefully of what would happen if I decided to go on. Push myself harder, and continue convincing that things will get easier, things will change for the better… the fact is, it is going to be more challenging and I’m not sure if I can hold on for much longer without sacrificing my mental health and my physical health.
Would I one day wake up with chest pain, collapse and wake up hooked up to wires in the hospital? Or while in a heated meeting experience agonizing pain in my head, pass out and wake up to be told I have a massive brain hemorrhage that renders my body paralyzed forever?
If that happened, would I still want to hold on to something that makes me miserable because I’m scared that we won’t be able to afford things we have now thanks to my paycheque? Nauzubillah, may Allah continue to grant me with good health.
I’ve spent a good 30 years of my life making my parents proud and happy. Alhamdulillah, my academic years had been smooth and I am able to look back fondly at the memories. The first few years of my working years also had been enjoyable as I was able to spend my time on my passion (graphic design and communication), until I went after a job that didn’t suit my passion. Things started going downhill from there, I had regrets since day 1 but I convinced myself it’s just the beginning. I’ll learn to love it. 13 years later, I still don’t.
Now, I want to undo that mistake and re-discover my passion. I want to have more time to go on spiritual journey. I want to guide my children instead of leaving it to the teachers to do the guidance. I want to right the balance because I’ve been wandering aimlessly and straying away from the compass.
With God’s grace, InshaAllah I will. Ameen.
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