May 21, 2023

Never Doubt Yourself.

 Today I heard something that made me realise that - girl, you were super awesome!

One of my friends recounted the time when she was transferred to my old position and people from Center told her, 'Make sure you fill her shoes (you kena jadi bagus macam dia).'

My shoes. I was dumbfounded. Somebody noticed that I was slayin' it at work.

When I looked back at my previous work anecdotes, I discovered something that I didn't realise back then.

I had awesome (and visionary) ideas.

I was efficient and oh-so-confident that the CEO gave me so much beyond what I thought my capabilities were.

But.

My self-esteem ruined me.

...

I was involved in a national level initiative and the youngest person in a room full of industry leaders. I had the idea to create a network of service that will be a ground-breaking project - but I was not confident enough to voice this out so I kept my mouth shut.

The logistics network and platform only became a reality several years down the road later by someone who had the same idea but was not afraid to say it out loud.

I felt that all-things digital will be a trendsetter and would save the Company a lot of money - but I was not brave enough to convince the Management to go digital.

I had passion, expertise and experience in my specialty - but I did not fight hard and fierce enough to be where I thought I should be.

To be awesome, I need to build my self-esteem and start believing that I am the best person for the job, or for anyone. Because deep down I know I am.

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January 18, 2023

The Feeling that Eludes Me.

Something is seriously wrong with me. I constantly struggle to hold on to happiness.

I have been going through my life reflections - from the uni years, early years of working, after marriage and right up to after having children. Life had been good for me, alhamdulillah. A struggle, yes, but it still came out as good.

I thought I should be at a happy place because when I think about it, I had gotten everything that I once desperately wished for.

I was unhappy because I was lonely - in 2nd year I found my best friend.

I was unhappy because I wanted someone to love me deeply - I found my husband.

I was unhappy because we were married for 3 years with no children - I gave birth to my daughter a year later.

I was unhappy because I did not like my job and want my husband to be rich so I can quit - I managed to quit my job and we live on one-income quite comfortably (of course, I wistfully wish that we could afford to travel overseas or at least stay at 5-star hotel in Langkawi every now & then but in retrospect, we did not do that when we both could afford it since we were too busy to take long leave).

The point is. I had always got what I wanted and that should be the basis to be happy.

Yet I struggle to remain happy for long.

Am I ungrateful?

Am I suffering from mental health i.e. depression?

Or I simply haven't found the key to happiness?

Imam al-Ghazali once wrote “He who knows himself is truly happy.”

And yet after 40 years, I am as lost as I ever could be.

Oh Most Benevolent God,

Point me in the right direction.

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January 12, 2022

Happy New Year 2022.

 I know it's already mid of January buuuuut it's still January so it's not too late to wish Happy New Year 2022! 💃

To be honest, I'm not sure what to expect in 2022. I more or less know what I need to focus on this year (eat, pray, love is my theme for 2022) but other than that, it's going to be a brand new adventure for me. For instance, I no longer clock out of work on 31 December like the past few years, the only person who was willing to stay back at work while others enjoy their year end break. Nope. I'm on permanent break this time. See, life is already leading me to wherever life needs to be, not the other way around.

Like today, I didn't plan the day but just followed what my heart felt like. I woke up, prepared breakfast for Le Hubby, kissed him goodbye with a quick prayer for his safety, and then I felt like it's time to tend to the garden which is mostly dying, no thanks to our lack of knowledge on gardening.

So I gathered my girls for a morning in the sunshine - Khayla scrubbing the plant pots that I had emptied off, me digging the soil and putting them back in the soil gunny and Khadeeja attempting (then giving up) to sweep and dispose off dead leaves, twigs, branches and whatnots. 

My untidy garden which no longer sparks joy

Sitting outside in the sunshine while enjoying a little breeze, the sounds of birds twittering and the busy train passing by made me feel at peace with my life. 

Such a beautiful weather to tend to our balcony garden

Only back to feeling dismayed at the sight of my pitiful plants, most of them had been attacked by vicious white mealybugs that made the leaves unhealthy and ate away at the flowers. Already I had lost my lady's finger and long beans plants to these sadistic bugs. Even Le Hubby's precious asparagus plants are not spared.

My pathetic plants resembling more of squatters than a neat neighbourhood

Much like how I attacked and cleared out my wardrobe last month, I had plans to do the same to my garden. It's better to tend to a few healthy plants than a variety of sickly and withering ones. I admitted that we had gotten carried away with wanting to experiment planting all sorts of plants (Le Hubby even bought grape plants, oh how ambitious he was!), and with my mom staying with us for almost a year the garden had gotten out of hand (she loves adopting plants and was known for bringing home strange plants picked up during her morning/evening stroll). 

From now on, I thought to myself as I pulled the dead lady's finger plant out of its pot, I will only plant necessary plants - things that we can cook. And one plant per pot, not all you can plant in one pot, I added in my mental note.

My only thriving plant - the kaffir lime (also not spared from the mealybugs)

Maybe tomorrow, if the heart feels like it, I will scrub the floors and empty out more pots. Or maybe tomorrow I will just spend the time reading books after not having the luxury of time to do that for many years - years I spent as a single parent raising two kids in a long distance relationship.

Who knows what life will bring, but I shall nevertheless enjoy it InshaAllah. Alhamdulillah, thank You Allah for leading me to this decision.

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August 15, 2021

Am I...?

It's been 3 weeks after I handed in my resignation. Since then, I've had mixed feelings. There are days when I feel like, 'Am I giving up too easily? Am I doing the right thing? Am I acting rashly because things had been very challenging?'

But there are also days when those exasperating moments came up and I think, 'Just a couple months more to go and I don't have to stress on this.'

My boss tried to talk me out of the decision for a couple of times. The first time he stated the current economic situation will make it hard for me to get a new job out there. The second time he told me that they are discussing about putting me in the job that I've been interested in - IR. But that wouldn't happen until next year. And I thought - can I actually last that long?

I also noticed that my customers hadn't given me such a hard time too since I served my notice. Could be my boss telling them that I am resigning because of them? I don't know.

Now I'm trying to think of what's next. I'm looking forward to being a full-time mom for a couple of months before going job hunting again. Or going into business (which is a totally new world to me). I just need a sabbatical break from stress and I will come stronger when my mind and my heart are more or less aligned.

Until then, stay resolute Carneyz. You are doing this to bring balance to our lives, to get closer to God and to strengthen your faith in God's promise - that He will provide for us. Ameen. 

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July 31, 2021

What The Body Is Telling.

For the past two weeks, my heartbeats had been acting up and jumping even when I wasn’t doing anything strenuous. Here was my heartbeat when I was taking a nap (which is lately frequent) after clocking out from work. My heart was racing so much that it woke me up.

Then a couple of days ago, while working, my heart thumped fast and erratic for no reasons - the pulse was so hard it felt as if my heart was trying to get out of my throat. My head became light and my palms sweaty. I thought I had a panic attack but thankfully my mind was still thinking rationally that I needed to see a doctor right away.

It turned out my blood pressure was really high - 150/100 to be exact. The doctor looked at me and asked, ‘Is there any changes lately?’

I almost burst into tears.

I told him how my work is stressing me out. I thought I had it under control but apparently I can’t lie to my body. My body is not able to cope with the pressure anymore and that was what brought me into the doctor’s office.

The doctor was very kind. He didn’t lecture me about needing to take it easy. He just prescribed me medicine to lower my blood pressure. He had my heart checked out and the result ruled out heart attack, thank God.

But how much longer my body has to suffer? I went back and reflected on it. It’s easy to say control our reaction to the situation but if your mind has been conditioned to stress, it’s very hard to follow that advice. I have been trying to convince my mind for months to let go of things I can’t control, to take it easy, to say this is just work, not my life… but it has been an unsuccessful attempt. And this is the result of months of suffering in silence.

I thought ruefully of what would happen if I decided to go on. Push myself harder, and continue convincing that things will get easier, things will change for the better… the fact is, it is going to be more challenging and I’m not sure if I can hold on for much longer without sacrificing my mental health and my physical health.

Would I one day wake up with chest pain, collapse and wake up hooked up to wires in the hospital? Or while in a heated meeting experience agonizing pain in my head, pass out and wake up to be told I have a massive brain hemorrhage that renders my body paralyzed forever?

If that happened, would I still want to hold on to something that makes me miserable because I’m scared that we won’t be able to afford things we have now thanks to my paycheque? Nauzubillah, may Allah continue to grant me with good health.

I’ve spent a good 30 years of my life making my parents proud and happy. Alhamdulillah, my academic years had been smooth and I am able to look back fondly at the memories. The first few years of my working years also had been enjoyable as I was able to spend my time on my passion (graphic design and communication), until I went after a job that didn’t suit my passion. Things started going downhill from there, I had regrets since day 1 but I convinced myself it’s just the beginning. I’ll learn to love it. 13 years later, I still don’t.

Now, I want to undo that mistake and re-discover my passion. I want to have more time to go on spiritual journey. I want to guide my children instead of leaving it to the teachers to do the guidance. I want to right the balance because I’ve been wandering aimlessly and straying away from the compass.

With God’s grace, InshaAllah I will. Ameen.

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July 18, 2021

The Beginning of A New Chapter.

Hello, it’s been a while. A lot of changes happened between 2019 to now.

For instance. After being separated for months due to movement control order in 2020, I had plucked up my courage to request for transfer back to KL so my family did not have to go through another long separation. I am now back in KL. I had reluctantly accepted a promotion in order to make that happened.

My mom was diagnosed with nose cancer so I convinced her and my sister to bring her to KL with us for treatment. We had not been back to Sarawak for almost a year now and we all miss our home (and our lives there) terribly.

I am now taking another step at change. I fear unknown changes, really. By far, the change that I’m about to initiate is the biggest one in my life and I am scared but determined to do it.

Last Friday, as usual my dear ex-colleagues from my previous office and I got together over Teams call for our weekly pantry talk session. I always look forward to chill with my ex-colleagues, they are the best bunch of people I’ve ever met. No matter how sh*tty the week has been, they are my happy pills and wind me down for the weekend.

So we had an enjoyable session catching up and laughing over jokes, over memories and fun times we had before. It lasted for an hour before everyone said our goodbyes. I hang up, then tendered my resignation.

Unexpected much? Not really. I had been mulling over it for a long, long time. I re-read my diary to confirm that I had always put work above all else - my kids, my marriage, my happiness. I got my pay but not so much of the satisfaction. 

Lately since being promoted to a manager position, the urge to leave has grown stronger and stronger until I could no longer ignore it. Every time there’s a crisis at work, I look desperately for an exit but refrain myself from bolting. Why? Because people said, hang on, things will get better once you learnt the rope. It’s not a good time to leave because the economy is bad now. We have a lot of assets to pay off. So many excuses not to leave.

But my mental and emotional state is deteriorating. It’s getting harder to fall asleep at nights, my dreams are all about work. I wake up more frequently in the middle of the night. And I realize - I’m in an abusive relationship with work right now. I have to leave. 

Then one day after a meeting with a difficult client, I suddenly feel so exhausted. I can’t do this anymore, I thought. So I pull up MS Words apps, and start to type my resignation letter. With each word, I feel my heart getting lighter. I signed it, and then re-read the letter. It felt like the key to my freedom.

I walked out and stood in front of my husband. I told him I have a decent saving, I have liquid cash in my account to last for a few months and I need a break. I can’t continue anymore being so miserable and demotivated. I need a break before I look for a new job. I can’t even think of my fallback plan because I’ve been too busy thinking of work, thinking of my stress and unhappiness. When I resign, I would go beyond that roadblock and my head would be cleared to craft a new game plan, I reasoned to myself.

He was not happy, of course but he knows how unhappy I am. He reluctantly said yes, but I know even if he opposes I would do it anyway. It’s not my obligation to work.

I didn’t tender immediately. My boss has enough on his plate to get a shock in the middle of the week so I waited until Friday evening. But somehow I feel so much better knowing that I’ve decided to do it.

Friday came. I had a nightmare and my hubby shook me awake. I got up and woke my daughter up for her class. I had a meeting with the project team, and then in the afternoon, a check-in session with my team. Another hour spent facilitating a development meeting between an unhappy staff and her boss, before our weekly pantry session. And then Resignation.

As I was about to click on the submit button, I paused. I reflected on my career over 12 years of being in the Company. I don’t blame my Company for my decision, I will always thank my Company for supporting our family financially especially the times when I gave birth to my daughters in a highly prestigious (and expensive) private hospital in Malaysia, and for covering medical expenses for my husband when he had his open heart surgery at a renowned heart specialist institution. Those are privileges that we got when I work for this Company for which I would always be grateful.

It’s scary to think that we would not have this unlimited medical benefit anymore. I pray that we would always be in the pink of health as we have always been now (apart from those major operations, we rarely visit clinics or hospitals and I have not utilized sick leave for the past 2 years) once I leave. This is the drawback of leaving but how can I stay on when I can’t even muster myself to think of work?

I snapped back to the present and once again felt the strong urge to click. There’s some hesitation but the urge to submit is stronger so I clicked on the button and then again when a prompt came up to remind that there is no turning back beyond this point. I heaved a sigh of relief. It’s done. It’s done.

P/S: Of course the next day my boss freaked out and texted me telling me he’s shocked and would not accept it before we have a talk about it. I’m now preparing myself mentally, organizing my points of what drives me to this decision in my head so it would come out smoothly.

I’m going to tell him that I have been struggling to stay motivated in a job that I feel I couldn’t bring 100% of myself every day. I am not cut out for this job, my competency and experience are no match and it’s affecting my game, affecting my clients’. I am being fair to myself and the Company by removing myself from the job and letting someone else who likes the breadth of the job scope to succeed me. Promotion and pay raise have never been much of motivating factors for me so I have no other reason to stay other than fear of the unknown, but now I’m embracing the unknown.

Dear Almighty God, I pray to you to give me the strength to change my ways, to reshape my priorities and  to trust You in everything that will happen in my life after this. Ameen…

I’m prepared for the talk.

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September 16, 2019

Beyond 13th.

It’s the end of a long weekend. We have been having long weekends for the past three weeks, it’s insane thinking about going back to 2-day weekend from now on.

I had a somewhat fruitful day. Woke up early and convinced myself to go for a run despite the unhealthy state of air quality with the ongoing haze. I tried to ask my other half to join me (half-hoping he would be more supportive of my effort to be healthier) but he rejected my invitation. As expected.

I ran 6km before calling it quits. The air wasn’t so bad. Came home to everything still on pause. I told him the kids have Quran recital today so please ask them to get ready. I cleaned up the house, washed the dishes, made breakfast. All the while thinking - why can’t he love me more to offer help without me asking?

I had a flashback when we first got married. How he used to help me out with laundry, vacuuming the house and cleaning up. When we first got a baby. How he took over the house chores to let me rest and just take care of the baby. He must have loved me back then, I thought ruefully. I don’t even know this man anymore.

After breakfast and making sure my eldest girl finished her homework, we ended up snoozing for a while. Then I woke up, showered and walked into the kitchen. He was sitting at the dining table, eating an apple by himself. What about lunch for the family? I asked him silently in my heart. I knew it was futile to expect him to think for us, so I simply asked him to fry prawns for our little girl and then I cooked a meal for us. My eldest girl wanted cheese sandwich so I popped bread and cheese in the oven.

I’m going out for my facial, I told him. Please help me to iron the kids’ school uniforms, clean up the kitchen, make sure the kids pack their school bags, I added in my heart. Please help your wife if you still love me. 2.5hours later I came back home to find none of those wishes came true.

I don’t know what is love to him anymore. I just hope we won’t wake up one day wondering why we drifted apart. I wonder what will 15th bring us. I hope it will be better than 13th.

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