Something is seriously wrong with me. I constantly struggle to hold on to happiness.
I have been going through my life reflections - from the uni years, early years of working, after marriage and right up to after having children. Life had been good for me, alhamdulillah. A struggle, yes, but it still came out as good.
I thought I should be at a happy place because when I think about it, I had gotten everything that I once desperately wished for.
I was unhappy because I was lonely - in 2nd year I found my best friend.
I was unhappy because I wanted someone to love me deeply - I found my husband.
I was unhappy because we were married for 3 years with no children - I gave birth to my daughter a year later.
I was unhappy because I did not like my job and want my husband to be rich so I can quit - I managed to quit my job and we live on one-income quite comfortably (of course, I wistfully wish that we could afford to travel overseas or at least stay at 5-star hotel in Langkawi every now & then but in retrospect, we did not do that when we both could afford it since we were too busy to take long leave).
The point is. I had always got what I wanted and that should be the basis to be happy.
Yet I struggle to remain happy for long.
Am I ungrateful?
Am I suffering from mental health i.e. depression?
Or I simply haven't found the key to happiness?
Imam al-Ghazali once wrote “He who knows himself is truly happy.”
And yet after 40 years, I am as lost as I ever could be.
Oh Most Benevolent God,
Point me in the right direction.
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