Tuesday, May 1, 2018

Chaos

Hello, I'm writing again after a long, long hiatus.

Lately, I'm never in the mood to write. I'm too preoccupied juggling so many roles in my life that it consumes a lot of my energy. I'm back to square one - a single parent for most of the time and at work, (once again) an executive expected to be a head of section as well.

Most of the time, I'm in a daze - in order to cope, I can't think much. I automatically switch to robot mode. There's no time for feeling, for being me. I'm just into my roles. Day in, day out. Me - a mom, a dad, an employee, a supervisor, a daughter. Never me, Carneyz. I don't even know who I am anymore. What I used to like. What I wish to be. I don't know. It's too exhausting for me to figure out.

But somehow, tonight I just can't. I can't hold it all inside of me, and I feel like I have to pour it out somehow. Tell someone, something, somewhere. That I am drowning. I am struggling to keep it up. I'm reduced to an empty shell - a body without a soul anymore. 

Tonight, as I drove back from the airport after sending hubby, I felt like breaking down, as if I'm a dam about to overflow. But as always, I managed to keep it in check. There's a storm going on inside my head, but you won't know it because over the years since I was a kid, every time I feel weak, I put up a barrier so the outside world can't get at me. And now, I can't get out.

Bear with me, because right now all I need is just a release. I'm telling you about how I feel, but in order for you to understand, you must be wondering what happened that I can't hold it anymore inside.

Last week, my mother had a heart attack. To make it more complicated, my eldest daughter was down with high fever. And at work, work is sh*tty as usual but now, we are about to have another round of restructuring coming, and the budget cycle, the reporting cycle and all the worst things at work are about to hit me. To summarize - mom's sick, daughter's sick, work is sickening.

But I'm expected to be strong. I have to brace myself, grit my teeth and just plough on. No time for feeling weak and helpless. I had to choose between work and family and I chose family. If that is supposed to make me feel any better, it didn't. I keep thinking about the workload while looking after my family. It made me feel worse. What kind of a mom I am for not being too concerned about my girl? What kind of a daughter I am that my body is at the hospital looking after my mom and my mind is somewhere at work thinking what kind of crazy things happened in my absence?

Now, as I'm writing this, I'm trying to decide whether I should go to work tomorrow or stay at home looking after my other daughter who is now sick after my eldest got better. 

I thought this year is gonna be different. Last year, at the exact same month, I was struggling with this dilemma and feeling while looking after my husband after his open-heart surgery. I thought that this year is going to be great. Why must it be one year after the other? 

So that's my life now. Some day, when I finally have the guts to quit my job, I will need to look back at this post when I doubt my decision to go. That I should be thankful that I got out of this emotional trap.

Someday, maybe I will be reunited with myself and just maybe, the real Carneyz will emerge. God's willing.
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